What if?
by Nixy
Summary: Jean blames herself for Scott's death and finds out what she's been hiding all along (short)


Disclaimer: I own nothing  
  
Summery: Jean blames herself for the death of Scott and finds out what she had been hiding all along. (short) Reviews: yes please! Chapters: 1  
  
What If.?  
Its amazing, that something that we can't see brings us life. Air, why should I put my life in the hands of something that I cant even see, smell or hear. Just because somebody said that it was there and that it does what it does, why does that mean that air really is what people describe it to be.  
  
Well I don't know if I believe it. If air is supposed to be all around us then why wasn't it there with Scott when he needed it?  
  
I can still see his face in my mind, his light pink lips gradually turning blue before my eyes as I stood transfixed and watched him. I didn't even know what was happening until it was to late, the air had disappeared from his lungs and left is body lifeless and still. All the color sucked from him like a freshly painted picture.  
  
I stood and watched all the color drain from his cheeks leaving him a ghastly white. I don't know why I didn't move. I guess the sound of him gasping for air and releasing weak coughs paralyzed me. I blame my self. What sort of telepath am I if I cant even tell that some one is dying right in front of my eyes?  
  
What have I learnt? And now because of me, I have lost my best friend, taken away the leader of our team. Every one says that is wasn't my fault but I know what they really think. They blame me for everything that happened. They say to them selves that it was me who let Scott die. I wouldn't admit it to any one, not even myself, but now I release that the past six days I have spent alone in my room crying were only partly for our loss. It was mostly guilt.  
  
They say that when you loose something dear to your heart, you grow stronger in your self, as a person, but I say that's a load of crap. A piece of me died that night, the same agonizing way that my best friend did and I just stood there and let that all be taken from me. I let it slip through my hands like sand through and hourglass.  
  
It took me about 5 minutes to realize that he was actually gone. At first I couldn't understand it, why he didn't move. Why his chest didn't rise and fall as it always did with each breath he took.  
  
I finally got the courage to remove the visor from his face. His skin was like ice to the touch and a deadly atmosphere surrounded him. I could no longer see in to his mind as I had done before. I could no longer read his thought, feel his emotions, feel him and it kept replaying in my head, the same question narrated the scene as I re-lived it in my mind.  
  
"Why didn't you move him?"  
  
"Why didn't you move?"  
  
"Why couldn't you see what was so obviously happening in front of you?"  
  
"When his lips turned a shade of purple didn't it tell you anything?"  
  
"Did his sharp gasps for air not say that he needed help?"  
  
"Why didn't you help him?"  
  
I grasped the visor with my fingertips and slowly pulled it off of his face. I closed my eyes waiting for the impact of his optic blasts to come and destroy what ever they hit first, but nothing happened, no destruction, no blinding red light just silence.  
  
I could feel myself shaking and suddenly I wanted it to be me with no air in my lungs, me who was lifeless and cold on the floor.  
  
I hated my self, I didn't deserve to live. Scott needed me and all I did for him was stand on the spot and watch him die like some barbarian.  
  
Going back to the institute was a nightmare. I could hardly see. I didn't see my self but every one told me my eyes were red and puffy, my nose ran and my lips were cracked.  
  
I remember screaming. Realizing that Scott was gone brought cringing screams to my ears. I collapsed to the floor shaking, thinking that I was going to die right there and then. Later on I was told that it was me who was screaming.  
  
I put myself in isolation, not wanting people for lie o my face and tell me that there was nothing I could have done. I didn't even try to help him. My feet glued themselves to the floor when I needed to use them the most. I couldn't face the looks of sadness and grief that everyone in the institute displayed.  
  
I laid with his lifeless body for the longest time stroking his icy skin with my hands hoping that is heart had skipped a beat and he was going to start breathing again.  
  
The professor saved me the explanation. I could tell he already knew with the distressed look on his face and his eyes brimming with tears. I ran to my room, I stumbled a lot, I could hardly walk let a loan run but my heart filled with fear every time I felt the presence of another person.  
  
No one actually asked me how he died. I think that they were all to afraid of what I might say or how I would describe it, but I don't think I could tell it to any one, only myself and even then its unbearable. The sight of it all made a lump form in my throat and I felt sick to my stomach as I watched the sharp blade pierce his skin like a melon. The look on his face, a look of terror, pain and sadness as his face turned toward me and he fell to his knees. I could see silent tears roll down his cheeks as he failed to take in oxygen.  
  
I cried inside and out, day and night and I found out that I was in love with him. The person that I had know most of my life held my heart in the palm of his hand and he had just gone and left it vulnerable and aching. I had given my heart away for the first time in my life and it was certainly going to be my last. I don't think I could take losing another person I loved.  
  
I vowed to myself that I would never love another person again and Scott was the only one who would have me even in death.  
  
THE END  
  
Authors note: So what did you think? This is what happens when people leave me in depressing moods! Hope you liked it. Please review! Thank you! 


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